Love the Ones You're With

My alarm is set for 6 a.m. I get out of bed around 7. In that hour, my much abused clock radio only lets me snooze for nine minutes at a time. I have it set to a golden oldies station, so the Beatles and Ronettes serve as my daily morning wake-up call.

Blame it on a repeating play list or the fact that my head is foggy before breakfast, but the other morning I was almost certain that I heard Stephen Stills’ “Love the One You’re With” more than once... which was really one time too many for me.

You remember the song. The chorus went something like:

There's a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love
Honey, love the one you're with

Being a song from the ‘70s, I’m quite sure it was an excuse for free love. However, its timing this day was near perfect to bring me out of a funk.

The weekend prior, I traveled back home for a little R’n’R – not rest and relaxation but rather relationship rehab. Every time my heart gets broken or some misguided romantic expectations leave me lonely, I’m on the first tank of gas back to my hometown. This time was no different.

I drove all the way there throwing every impossible question up to God that I could. Most of them started with “why.” I was just confused and mostly disillusioned, because this time, I really thought I had something good. I wondered why finding a love that was simple seemed so difficult.

My pursuit of bitterness was derailed the moment my bags hit the floor of my parents’ house. They embraced me and didn’t let go all weekend long. My mother told me how much she prayed for me (and my “someday” husband). My dad watched old movies with me, and we discussed the novelties of Technicolor in 1950s cinema. My brother left a piece of trash in my luggage that I didn’t discover until I returned (how kind of him to give me an idea for his Christmas gift this year). It took many forms, but it was all love.

In a moment, I realized that the thing I thought I lost was all around me. It wasn’t the way I desired it, but at the same time, it was exactly what I needed. In the absence of the one I wanted to be with, people who genuinely cared about me were ready and willing to draw me in. Their love was uncomplicated and unconditional – it was the answer to my prayer.

I believe the Scriptures when David calls God a shelter and strong tower in Psalm 61:3. I know that refuge from the unexpected storm is real and tangible in this life. God gives it to us in the form of relationships. We’re born into community, because we need each other to make it through this journey.

Someone once asked me what my goal was with my writing. What’s the message I want people to know? I replied, “That you’re not alone.” When he walks out the door or she says she doesn’t love you any more, I want you to know that you’re not alone. In every life, God provides a soft place to land. It could be a parent or sibling. It could be friends that feel as close as family. It could be a spouse or the church. It could even be a stranger on the street who offers you a kind smile. There are flashes of His acceptance everywhere to let you know You are always in His sight.

Soul artist Sade once sang, “It’s only love that gets you through.” It’s true. We bruise and batter each other in this life, most of the time unintentionally. However, there is an intentional love that’s only an arm’s length away if we’re willing to reach out and hold it close. Learn to receive God today in whatever face He shines through. Love the ones you’re with, and in turn, you’ll rediscover the treasure that you’ve held all along.

Can't Buy Me Love

You have to give the girl credit for honesty—if nothing else. On a Web site called Craig's List, a young woman wrote: "I'm a spectacularly beautiful 25-year-old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm looking to [marry] a guy who makes at least half a million a year. Where do you single rich men hang out?"

She also wanted to know how men decided between "marriage versus just a girlfriend. I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY," she said.

In response, a man who claimed to meet her financial requirements said that from his perspective, her offer was a lousy business deal. "What you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party, and I bring my money," he wrote. "But here's the rub: Your looks will fade and my money will" continue to grow. "So in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset." (Ouch!)

This is why, the man explained, "It doesn't make good business sense to 'buy you' (which is what you're asking), so I'd rather lease. So a deal that makes sense [to me] is dating, not marriage. If you want to enter into some sort of lease [agreement]," he finished up, "let me know."

Well, that was pretty harsh! But plenty of readers thought she deserved it. She was turning marriage into an economic transaction—reducing what should be a sacred relationship into nothing more than a contract—and that's a dangerous mistake.

Economist Jennifer Roback Morse, author of the excellent book Love and Economics, puts it well. When it comes to marriage, she says, "the language of contract is . . . misleading because it undermines the basis of generosity and self-giving that is so important in married life."

Morse is right. Contractual arrangements are a calculated effort to get what you want on the best terms you can get it. But marriage is about unreserved giving and sharing.

Contracts are limited and renewable; marriage is a permanent, life-long commitment. It is about self-sacrifice, not self-satisfaction.

The Scriptures back this up. Christians have always seen marriage as a covenant with God as a party to it. Couples are to put aside their own selfish desires and focus on the needs of the loved one. But the values of the marketplace, applied to marriage, teach a totally different message: that is, that we are entitled to a good "return on our investment." They turn would-be brides and grooms into marital consumers, looking for the best deal they can get.

Tragically, people who think this way often end up in a kind of unholy wedlock—one in which men abandon wives the moment their looks begin to fade, and women drop husbands if they run out of money.

That so-called "classy" woman who hoped to marry money should read the Song of Solomon, chapter 8. In this chapter, a bride tells her bridegroom: "If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly scorned."

These verses offer a beautiful glimpse of love and courtship as God intended them. They make clear that true love cannot be bought and sold—or leased, as the case may be.

When it comes to finding a mate, we should seek a faithful, faith-filled spouse whose "love is better than wine," as Solomon put it. That is worth more than all the money—or spectacular looks—in the world.

Six Ways to Live as a Satisfied Single

You can be content without a significant other. Here are some tips to help you live life to the fullest.

1. Connect with God.

Spiritual revival is the first order of business for all singles. Our single years—whether they are few or many—can be a time to connect deeply with God like none other. Like Paul said, it’s a time where you can give your "undivided devotion to the Lord" (I Corinthians 7:35). Therefore, devote yourself to knowing God by reading, studying, and worshiping Him.

2. Connect with Friends.

Being single doesn’t mean being alone.Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together…but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” When you become a Christian by trusting in Christ, you become a part of God’s family as well. And in this family you’re called both to encourage and be encouraged.

3. Commit Yourself to Purity.

In order to live joyfully and contentedly, you must commit your body and mind to the Lord. This is no easy task in our culture. Magazines, television, billboards, “friends,” and sometimes even family members will encourage what seems natural to the world: promiscuity, pornography, lust, and affairs. But God loves you too much to let you take a path that leads to pain and loss of dignity. You will surely encounter adversity, but singles can bear this cross with honor and self-respect. (See the resources Every Single Man’s Battle and Every Single Woman’s Battle for direction and encouragement on this subject.)

4. Live with Passion and Purpose.

What do you love? What moves you? What interests you? What are you waiting for? You need to pursue what you love. Photography, theology, writing, music, languages, building, cooking, dance, medicine, sports…whatever keeps you up late at night or gets you excited is important to recognize and pursue.

5. Serve.

Your passion should drive you to serve in some way. When your passion drives you to service, you’ll find great purpose in life. Do you enjoy sports? Maybe you could volunteer in a Big Brother or Sister program. Can you cook? Ask your pastor about needs in your church…perhaps you could make meals for families with new babies or someone who has a family member in the hospital. God gives each one of us unique talents and passions for the purpose of glorifying him.

6. Exercise Your Mind and Body.

There’s great joy in dedicating our minds to studying God’s word, but there’s also great joy in worshipping him with our bodies. Exercise is a great discipline that gives you the needed energy to study and serve God.

Quieting the Single Soul

One Sunday evening I was sitting at home watching a situation comedy about single women and their relationships.  In this particular episode, one of the characters was faced with the question as to her outlook on love, whether she was an optimist or a pessimist.  Here is her internal monologue on the utility of being an optimist after thirty.

She writes: Maybe pessimism is something that should be applied daily, like moisturizer.  What about when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all.  Is hope like a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive?  What’s the harm in believing?

As I watched, I sat there hanging on every word.  The crazy thing about it is that I just had the same sort of conversation with a single friend of mine a few hours before.  She shared an all too familiar struggle between desperately wanting to believe God to bring her a mate, while wrestling with the tormenting fear that it might not ever happen.  You see, I realized that the reason this character’s philosophical questioning moved me so deeply is because it poignantly captured the universal cry of all single women who long to find the one.  How is one able to keep dreaming when it seems as though hope is perpetually deferred? (Proverbs 13:12)  Although I would never presume to have all the answers in this area, I can offer some encouragement from the scripture that speaks peace to my restless soul: Psalm 131.

1. Don’t weigh yourself down with “what ifs?”“My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.” (Psalm 131:1)

One of the questions I find that nags single women the most is how to make sense who gets married and who does not.  We ponder things like, “Well, Sue-Ellen said she always wanted to be married too.  She’s a lot older than me.  Who’s to say I won’t be in the same boat when I’m her age?”  I can assure you from experience that line of questioning is the quickest way to send yourself into panic and/or depression.  Besides, the bottom line is none of us see the full picture of what God is doing in another person’s life. 

The same is true for the futility of envying a young married couple, as if to say matrimony is a first come, first serve buffet.  Only after those who are thirty and up have dined can the young whipper snappers help themselves.  On the contrary, the Word instructs us to keep our heart from being proud and our eyes from being haughty.  The times and seasons the Lord has marked out for our lives are known only to Him.  Therefore, we need not concern ourselves with the details of life that we can’t make sense of.  In fact, true humility says I will reserve my right to know it all, and instead I will trust in the one who does.       

2. Discipline yourself to wait.
“But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.” (Psalm 131:2)

Several months ago my pastor taught from this scripture.  She described a young infant as one not yet weaned.  You see, when babies are first born they are completely helpless, and they look to their caregiver to provide their basic needs.  When they are hungry they want to be fed in that moment, otherwise, they cry.  However, as a baby grows and develops, at about 1 year old they learn that an extended index finger is mommy’s way of saying “Wait a moment until I can pull your cereal of out my knapsack.”  When the child reaches about 4 or 5 years old, they learn to wait contentedly until dinner is ready.  In fact, even if dinner is delayed they have learned to wait until it is time.  This is the picture of a weaned child. 

When David writes about “his stilled and quieted soul” being as a weaned child within him, he is speaking of internal discipline.  Through an undoubtedly long and arduous process he trained his soul to not only wait on the Lord, but to wait in quietness and trust.  So, when singles are waiting for the mate God has ordained, recall this image of a child completely trusting in his provider to satisfy his longings with good things (Ps. 103:5).  Even if that promise is delayed, you train yourself to wait in hopeful anticipation.    

3. Place your hope in the eternal God.
“O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.” (Psalm 131:3)

Hope is not only desire, but the belief and expectation of its fulfillment.  As believers, we have been given two promises in which to put hope.  1) God is unchanging, and 2) He cannot lie.  This hope serves as an anchor to our soul and promises never to disappoint us (Heb. 6:18-19,Rom. 5:5). 

So returning to the question, “Is hope like a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive?” I say hope keeps us alive.  Hope gives us the conviction that He who promises is faithful to do all he said he would do (Heb. 10:23).  Hope gives us a vision for what we cannot yet see even in the midst of circumstances that might appear contrary (Rom. 4:18).  Hope reminds us that even though we cannot see the God we serve nor the fulfillment of everything he has promised, we continue to believe and are filled with joy (1 Pet. 1:8). 

Like I said before, I’m no expert.  I don’t submit these thoughts to you from the perspective of someone who’s been happily married for a number of years.  Nor am I engaged or dating anyone.  I am single just like you and am waiting on the Lord’s best for my life.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have my “single moments,” those flashes of fear and anxiety of “When’s it going to happen, Lord?”  As self-assured as I might seem on the outside, my soul knows another reality.  But in those moments that I feel sad or afraid that my match won’t come, the Holy Spirit whispers the same tips I gave you and my single soul is quieted once again.    

Embrace the Moment

I’ll never forget the day I was out shopping and my cell phone rang. It was my mother on the other end. I knew by the sound of her voice she had bad news. All I heard was, “He may not make it.” And unfortunately he didn’t.

As family and friends gathered together for the funeral, I was so happy to see cousins of mine whom I’d not seen in a while. Despite the fact that two of them had just started brand new jobs they interrupted their lives, jumped on a plane, and came hundreds of miles to be there just for us. As I finally got a chance to briefly talk to them, I asked, “When do you have to leave?”  “In thirty minutes.” “You’ve got to be kidding!” -- but no, it was true. With that short time, I wanted to spend every second I had with them, look them straight in the eyes, talk with them and find out how life was going with them.  In every way possible, I wanted to embrace the moment.

It had been a long time since I felt such a strong desire to stop the clock. How quickly people come in and out of our lives. How short life can seem. And whether you’re married or single, there is still heartache and disappointment. Loved ones will come and go and, as much as most of us don’t want to admit it, we’re all getting older and will someday die. There’s something about funerals that slow us down and cause us to stop and examine ours lives. How are you living?

If you keep doing what you’re doing today, where will you be ten years from now? As singles, there is a tendency to put life on hold, waiting for that day you finally walk the aisle, when that ring goes on your finger, when you say, “I do.” Then, you think, life will truly begin.

Your desire to marry is very natural and normal. In many ways I believe God made us this way. But what are you doing today? Embrace every moment you have -- now.

Life is full of wonderful and terrific opportunities beyond your wildest dreams. Don’t stop dreaming. Don’t stop seeking God for His divine appointments. Live life with moments that take your breath away. Don’t live your life “on hold.”

Stop and enjoy a beautiful sunset, the ocean, the mountains, the moon, the stars, a rainbow. Embrace the Creator of the universe. Embrace the beauty of His creation, His magnitude, His greatness, His love. Embrace life, knowing God has a plan even when you don’t always understand it or see it. Embrace His Word when life doesn’t make sense.

God says He has a plan, a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, a plan to give you a hope and a future. Call upon Him and pray. Seek Him with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:11-13). Don’t lose heart! Keep believing God no matter what disappointments come. Have you had another relationship fall apart? I understand. Press on!

When life is frustrating, He remains faithful. When you’re tired of waiting, He remains constant. When you’re sick and tired of being single, embrace your freedom.

• Exercise when you like.

• Go on a vacation when you like.

• Change the thermostat how you like.

• Invite friends over when you like.

• Watch the programs you like.

• Change the channels when you like.

• Spend your money how you like (according to God’s principles).

• Go to the movies you like (according to God’s standards).

• Eat the food you like. (Keep it healthy.)

• Dress the way you like. (Keep it wholesome.)

• Go to bed when you like. (Keeping it healthy.)

• Go to the church you like (by God’s direction).

• Work in the ministry you like (by God’s direction).

If you marry, the above list may dramatically change. Your freedom changes to commitment to another. Your desire is to please your mate. Marriage would add a wonderful new set of things you may be able to do, but don’t forget the things you would lose.

Today can you embrace your singleness? Consider all the wonderful opportunities you have been given. Live it, love it, enjoy it, and embrace it!

May God fill you with His great joy! Embrace the moment!

You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever (Psalm 16:11).

What's Right With Your Life?

 I discovered recently that I was sick. In fact, I had been deathly ill for some time, largely unaware, with something much worse than a physical ailment and much more virulent. It was the kind of illness that not only infected me, but has the potential to infect all of us at one time or another – if we let it.

When you have this insidious and all-pervasive malady, you don’t often recognize the symptoms until you have thoroughly wallowed in it, choked on it, told everyone you know about how horrible it is, or completely feared it.

It’s the disease known as seeing your life incorrectly, seeing your life as more or less half empty, unpleasant, and frustrating. It’s that mumbling and complaining attitude the Bible tells us not to indulge in.

We spend our time evaluating what was wrong, what iswrong, and what could go wrong with our current life. And as we age and have to wait on the Lord for many more things, we can tend toward this despairing mindset. We wonder why certain gifts from God keep getting delayed or why we can’t overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles or why everyone else around us seems more blessed and happy and successful than we are. We are sapped by self-doubting and self-pitying thoughts like “Why don’t I have a spouse – is God mad at me?” or “I wish I made more and saved more money during this tough economy” or “I can’t believe I haven’t learned this particular life skill yet” or “I deserve better… way better!”

Thoughts like these can leave anyone feeling angry and deflated – basically all wrung out and bent out of shape. It leads to blaming, shaming, depression, and inactivity. We yell, stick our heads in the sand, bury our talents, and hope God’s answers show up with the pizza we just ordered. But that’s completely unlikely. For one, God is way more creative than that! Don’t box Him in like that slice of cheesy Italian pleasure you just ate; He defies corners. And two, why would God reward a lazy, untrustworthy person? If you need proof, return to the parable of the talents. Yikes! Enough said.

If I sound harsh, remember that I am first talking to myself. I have found that justifying a sick spirit is very easy to do, particularly as a thirty-something single – when I choose to indulge in such behavior. I can dish out statistics of doom relating to marriage and fertility, job security and retirement funds, building friend networks in a highly transient culture, or any number of other topics. I might even take my sad lot in life to the streets and spout out just how miserable I really am.

Oh, how deliciously easy it is to bash our lives! Ever wondered why that is? I am guessing it dates back to Adam and Eve, but I see at least three reasons why involving ourselves in such behavior is irresistible. Maybe we feel justified for groveling and for doing nothing to change our ‘plight’ (guilty!). Maybe griping garners a crying shoulder or a sympathetic pat from friends and loved ones (guilty!). Perhaps we indulge in such bad thinking and behaving as a backhanded way to motive us – after all, if we love our lives where we are, would we want to change, let go, or leave? But if we concentrate on hating it so much, we surely will muster the strength to do what we should have been doing all along (guilty! – believe me, this doesn’t work at all). Three strikes and I’m out! How about you? The mind and emotions can play tricks on us, keeping us trapped in a less-than-joyful life.

But the beauty of our lives is this: although we can’t change everything about ourselves and our circumstances, we can choose to love the things we can’t change by getting a mind and attitude adjustment, and, in many cases, we can change the things we don’t like in our lives by being proactive.

Two Steps to Living Your Life Again

I love being around people who ‘have a life’. They are out doing things. They are happy and smiling and a joy to be around. They have found a secret that I had recently forgotten about – our response to our lives and our circumstances is the key.  Look at this quote from Paul: “… I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” (Philippians 4:11, NIV). Contentment can be difficult for many of us to nurture, but it isn’t impossible. Here are two ways to be comfortable with your life and yourself again.

1) Love the life you have by getting a different viewpoint.

How about being your own spin doctor? Political analysts, marketers, and media specialists do it all the time to get you to see life their way. Well, you can do the same for your own life – only this time you are going to put a positive, biblical spin on it.

I am sure that right now if I asked you to, you could write down all the horrible things about your dating life, your job, your family, your living arrangements, and so on. But what about what is right? I dare you to rethink that situation that has you bogged down.

Don’t tell me that thinking positively is some form of denial or that you are some kind of wunderkind realist and you are telling it like it is. There are two sides to every coin. I am not asking you to lie about your situation or your problem. I am simply asking you to use a different filter from which to see what is currently going on.

And if you need help with this, as I did when I got waylaid by my life, ask God to show you what is right with your life. He might adjust your attitude. He might help you see that your trials are His way of preparing you for bigger responsibilities and challenges in your new season to come. He may be pinpointing a character flaw that He wishes to work on. Or He may turn your whole thinking upside-down and show you that your life isn’t half as bad as you originally thought.

OK, maybe making a list of all the good stuff off the top of your head isn’t working for you. Then try this exercise. Imagine that you will be moving away to a new life in two months. Now, what about your life will you be giving up? What about it will you miss? It’s amazing what a little pressure, the thought of change, and perhaps future loneliness can have on life as you know it. Sometimes this exercise helps us to see that we are living the life we want now – we just didn’t see it right away.

Reframe your thinking daily by renewing your mind with God’s Word, and use your prayer time to share what you are thankful to God for before you go into one of those tantrum tirades about everything that needs fixing.

It’s that old cliché “be thankful.” It sounds trite, and it might make you instinctively engage in several eye-roll sessions at me, but it does really work because you are forced to focus on the good in your life. As a man thinks, so is he, as they say. Well, think good thoughts and suddenly life doesn’t look half bad.

With practice, you will be able to think about more positive things. I am rooting for you! I have tried journaling those blessings, and that has helped tremendously when I have been tempted to throw a pity party and need reminding about the great things God has done in my life.

2) Create the life you want by being proactive.

If you don’t like certain things in your life, instead of complaining and moaning about them, how about trying to change them for the better? For instance, do you need more friends? Don’t cry about the fact that all your friends moved away. Why not find another group to join at church or enlist your talent in a class or community function? Yes, it will take more effort initially to go from moaning to action. It is easier to jabber on about your horrible life, after all. (I totally know about that!) But your friends, spouse, future spouse, and kids will really thank you for making a positive change. And you will be doing yourself a service too, enjoying things again.

This ‘create the life you want’ statement used to really irk me. It would make me instantly feel overwhelmed and far behind all those really together people who seemed to have a corner on the successful living market. This was the kind of statement that I deemed was reserved for those who got the superlatives like “most likely to succeed” back in school . I used to sigh that now I had to compete against all those successful people. But it’s really not that complicated to come up with an action plan to better yourself. Anyone can do it.

You can be a goal setter. As a sanguine soul who breezed through many years of my life, I know. Drifting sounds pleasant and it can be worry-free for a time, but then there comes a time in your life when it really does pay to buckle down a bit and come up with a plan.

I mistakenly used to think that planning my life was somehow less godly. I had grown up with the predestination idea and God’s sovereignty so long that I didn’t realize that I had been given quite a bit of latitude to have dominion over the earth – that Adam and Eve mandate God talks about in Genesis. I didn’t realize that God might actually have an expectation that I would make plans and that would be a very good, godly thing.

But then I read this passage in Scripture: “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed” (Proverbs 16:3, NIV). This verse is all about activity.

If you feel intimidated by this concept of being proactive, do what I have done: seek the Lord about it. Partner up with Him. Ask Him what kinds of things you should be doing. Ask Him how to get from point A to point B. Pray with an open Bible before you. If you are willing to listen and then willing to commit to His suggestions, He will open the way for you. Ask Him to give you the discipline and the initiative to set a course and stick to it.

You never know what God might have in store for you. This time you will be expectant about your future and thankful for what He has already done in your life. And the best part is you will be able to cure that negativity sickness once and for all!

How to Keep Boundaries with a “Work Spouse”

"The work spouse" is a popular term cropping up to define a platonic relationship with a co-worker. This type of relationship is on the rise, as American's work longer hours in close quarters with the opposite sex. In many ways, these relationships can mirror a real marriage. According to Vault.com, out of 693 people surveyed in a variety of industries, 32 percent say they have, or have had, a work spouse. Should you commit? What you should know before you say "I do" at work.

These relationships start out due to proximity, but oftentimes they continue for a variety of reasons, from providing an emotional support system during challenging times, to bouncing off work ideas, getting advice, releasing work-related stress, sharing inside jokes and understanding frustrations with a boss or internal politics. Research even shows that employees will devote more to their work, and go the extra mile, if they have close ties on the job. Work spouses will also complement one other in skill and ability in the workplace, making a successful and productive team. Although these relationships aren't intimate, there is an intimacy, and a thin line, that when crossed, can go from friendship to adultery.

"How do affairs start?" Williard F. Harley Jr. PhD, president of Marriage Builders asks. "They start as friendships."

So, is it worth it? And, how do you avoid crossing that line from friends to the unforgivable? Like anything, there has to be rules:

• A healthy work spouse situation is between people who would never let their friendship venture in to an inappropriate space, and understand that fine line.
• Don't share personal information about yourself at work, especially private details of your marriage. If someone does share personal information with you, tell your spouse so you don't create a secret world your spouse is not aware of.
• Be upfront and honest about the closeness and bond of your real-life relationship.
• Don't be alone with a person of the opposite sex separate from your job. Romantic relationships come out of recreational activities and intimate conversations.
• Don't drink with your work spouse. When you drink, boundaries get blurred.
• Introduce your real spouse to your office spouse, so it isn't exclusive.
• Avoid constantly talking about your office spouse at home. Don't overdo it.
• Aim to keep the mood light and happy with your work spouse so that drama from home doesn't bleed in to what should be a professional relationship.
• Keep the lines of communication open between other co-workers and your real-life spouse so that your work spouse relationship is not interpreted as a clique, or exclusive.

Success and the Single Adult

“How old are you now?” my grandmother whispered, leaning into me. We were sitting reverently in the pew, waiting for the morning worship service to begin.

“Twenty-nine,” I whispered back.

“And you’re not . .  . you’re not. . . .”

“Married?” I offered.

My grandmother, raised in an era when women married young and bore a string of babies, couldn’t grasp why I hadn’t settled down. Never mind that I had graduated college, landed a well-paying job, and lived with a wonderful Christian girlfriend. To Grandma, if a girl hadn't tied the knot by a certain age, something must be wrong with her.  Everyone should be in the happily-ever-after set, not home alone.

For many years, I agreed with her. While I was growing up, the word single sounded like cancer.  When I read the Bible's support for the single life, I felt less weird. But if being single was so great, as the apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, then why did most of my friends constantly date, aiming straight for the altar? And why did the few single women I knew seem like miserable misfits? I concluded that marriage and children equaled success; singleness meant failure.

Thankfully, as I got older, I got wiser. God challenged my notion that a person’s worth is based solely on marital status. Over the years He's opened my eyes to the many ways He considers a single successful.

Upholding God's Standards 

God began by pairing me with a few forgettable guys.  First was Richard (not his real name), a college classmate who took me to dinner and a movie, then cheerfully steered the car toward his apartment. When I refused to go to his place, Richard fumed and abruptly drove me home. After I had a good cry, God gently pointed out that I'd protected my virginity, a counter‑cultural move He regards a huge success.

Next was a blind date with a handsome, well‑dressed guy named Hans. “He’s so good looking,” my matchmaker aunt told me.  “I just know you two will hit it off.”

We didn’t.  The best part of our evening together was the movie — two blessed hours in which I didn't have to hear Hans talk about himself. Our date was a brief lesson on how deceiving looks can be and how true Jesus' words are in Matthew 12:34: "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Preferring inner beauty in a person more than outer, God showed me, is also success.

When Craig came along, my grandmother thought her prayers had been answered. Craig was a decent, considerate Christian who didn’t rush me toward the bedroom or brag about himself. He loved me and wanted to marry me.  Four months of dating him, however, failed to stir any affection in me.  When I realized I didn’t love Craig, I broke up with him.

Years earlier, I might have been tempted to take the matrimony ticket out of the single life whether I loved the guy or not. But something more important than marriage came out of my experience with Craig: the realization that success is listening to my heart rather than following my head.  God showed me that even a nice Christian isn’t marriage material unless he or she is God’s choice of a mate.

Influencing Little Ones

With the birth of my first nephew, Ryan, God began correcting another of my misconceptions: A successful single may not raise godly sons or daughters, but she can positively influence the children God places in her life.

My heart wrapped quickly around Ryan. As he grew, he and I assembled Legos, worked puzzles, and raced Hot Wheels together. Eight years after Ryan's birth, I held a second nephew in my arms — James.  In time, I advanced from reciting nursery rhymes to studying bugs, playing ball, flying kites, and collecting rocks.

Through playtimes with Ryan and James, I shared the same delight Jesus knew when He told a group of adults, “Let the little children come. . . ”  (Matthew 19:14).  This is success.

As they grew, both my nephews learned that life isn't all kites and Legos. Ryan developed juvenile diabetes at 13.  He rebelled against injections and a diet that set him apart from his peers. When he was 10, James underwent brain surgery. Despite the operation’s success, for months he battled headaches as well as his faith, wondering why God didn't heal him.

Then I realized that our times of play had formed a deeper bond between my nephews and I.  I prayed for Ryan and James as though they were my own sons.  I realized the urgency of Deuteronomy 4:9 — to remember what God had taught me in my crises and pass it on to my “children.”  During our moments together, I told Ryan and James that it's OK for boys to cry and get mad at God, but that they must trust Him no matter what. Passing on biblical truth to young lives, God showed me, is another mark of a single person’s success.

Investing My Gifts

As I matured in my thirties, the single life began to feel comfortable, thanks to the unmarrieds God brought in my life. They weren’t miserable but happy because they were doing something with their lives.  They sang in the choir, served on the church board, and volunteered in the nursery.  Like the two wise servants in Jesus’ story of the talents, these singles used their God-given gifts and gained more than they’d been given (Matthew 25:14-23).  This investment, according to Jesus, is success.

Years ago I invested my writing gift into creating my own line of greeting cards called Godsend. Each month I wrote a poem based on Scripture, printed it on card stock, and mailed it to people suffering through divorce, grief, chronic illness, depression, and other problems. I gained satisfaction from reaching out through my gift, and others gained comfort and encouragement.

Over the years, I’ve watched this gift expand into writing articles. I’ve been mentoring other Christian writers and helping them invest their gift of words in others. This is what Jesus meant by being "good and faithful" — the single servant’s success.

Leaning on My Lord

When the roommate I’d shared a house with for seven years suggested I buy my own place, I was excited — and frightened. Part of me relished the thought of buying furniture and selecting carpet. The other part froze: What about repairs and other homeowner headaches?Fear and faith pushed me to commit my plans to God and trust in Him, as Psalm 37:4 says.

When I finally signed the papers and settled into a condo, my new home meant more to me than any house in Better Homes and Gardens, mainly for what it symbolized: God’s faithfulness in answer to my dependence on Him.

I didn’t know then how much more I’d have to lean on God. Two years after I moved, a layoff cut my well-paying job out from under me.  I worried about bankruptcy and losing my condo. But Jeremiah 29:11 told me God had plans for me — for hope and a future.

As I circulated résumés and scoured want ads, God listened to my questions and pumped me full of peace. And true to His Word that He knows my needs before I ask (Matthew 6:8), He led me to the perfect job three weeks before my unemployment checks stopped. For the past eighteen years, He’s guided me in a career that fits my desires and skills perfectly — proof that His plans are for my good.

I’ve built more than equity in my home and stability in my job; I’ve built trust through the best partnership I could have with the One who will not let me go. Placing faith in God’s promises, especially in uncertain times, helps me mature spiritually — success in God’s eyes.

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Every Christmas season I usually watch It’s a Wonderful Life. One of my favorite scenes is George Bailey discovering what life would have been like had he never been born.  Among other tragedies, George’s wife, Mary, would have ended up an “old maid.”  Even the guardian angel, Clarence, is horrified at the thought.

I now smile when I see unmarried Mary.  She represents what my grandmother feared most for me and what I dreaded for myself:  a shameful life alone.  My singleness, however, isn’t shameful.  With God shaping my perspective of what success is, there’s no such thing as failure.